How to Get Your Child to Take Their Vitamins

Kids are stubborn ones. They rarely mind their parents, always run off, jabber all the time, and worst of all, they rarely eat properly. How do you solve this problem? How do you make sure a child has the balanced healthy diet enjoyed by their parents?

Anyone that knows me can tell you that I’m the definition of a fit parent. A healthy diet and lifestyle ensure that I will be around for the long haul for my little one. Luckily, children aim to be like their parents. Through providing a good example for your tot, you will complete the first step in promoting their health.

Compared to my diet, my child eats pretty well. She’s a big fan of cheese, toast, biscuits and gravy, french fries and green beans. One area where her diet lacks compared to mine is in the quantity of beer. She doesn’t drink any.

Introducing a child to beer is a tricky proposition. Rarely do they just dive right in. Your stouts and porters may be a bit too roasty and potent for their little growing bodies. Plus, at 30 pounds, a pint of 8% imperial porterand your child will be increasingly obnoxious and rude.

I suggest starting light. Sessionable beer will ensure parent and child have a nice afternoon at the pub. Also, lighter brews tend to be more effervescent, and we all know how much kids like bubbles. If they are still hesitant, try luring them in slowly. Letting them smell a nice hoppy IPA will draw them in with the sweet floral aromas. Follow this with a satisfying long drink, smack of the lips and a smile and your tike will be begging for a sip off of daddy’s pint.

Finally, make it fun. Beer is fun, so drinking beer with your kid should be just as entertaining. Beer pong is a great game for kids as they will enjoy the chance to make something splash. Also, watching sports together is a great way to bond over a team and teach life lessons. For advanced parents, this could transition into the next step which would be teaching your child of the nobility of gambling.

Follow my advice and in no time you’ll have the coolest kid on the block. Best of all, the increase in alcohol in their will slow their growth, meaning less trips to the store for clothes, and impair their learning abilities. Who has money to send a kid to college anyway? Here’s to your kid, CHEERS!

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Craft Beer as Pediatric Medicine

All too often, parents are using dangerous pharmaceuticals to better “control” their children.  From the seemingly benign dose of Benadryl before a long flight to see grandma to the more extreme ADHD drugs, medicating children has been taken a disturbing level of social acceptance never seen before.  As a parent, I know first hand how tough it is to keep your cool and stay in control when your kids are acting up.  And travelling compounds the stress tenfold.  But do we really want to resort to synthetic chemicals to “control” our children?  Many of these drugs – and that’s just what they are – still do not have definitive long term studies done on what side affects may occur.  Damage to organs, stunted growth, and who knows what else.  That’s why I am an advocate of returning to what our parents and grandparents did to help us as children.

When my father was a child, his mother put Swedish vodka or Aquavit on his gums when he was teething.  For my mother it was Scotch.  Not only does this numb the pain of a suffering child, but it helps them – and their parents – sleep.  In the late 1800’s it was not uncommon for a mother or father to give their children a shot of rum in their warm milk at night to help them sleep.  Divorce rates were lower back then, children had respect for their parents and the law, and no one had heard of things like ADD and ADHD.  The family that drinks together stays together, clearly.

In this day and age of too many choices and too many made-up “conditions”, we are inundated with images and advertising for things we never knew we had.  Erectile Dysfunction.  Restless Leg Syndrome.  Benign Prostatic Hyperplasia.  And of course, there is a drug to treat them.  Do you ever get the feeling the drug companies are making these things up just so they can sell you a sugar pill?  But I digress.

Instead of treating these invented conditions in our children with potentially hazardous chemicals, lets introduce them to craft beer.  Right off the bat, they sleep better.  Any parent will tell you their number one complaint about parenthood (no matter how wonderful little Johnny and Jane may be) is their lack of alone time, or time with their spouse.  At dinner, let the kids split a pale ale.  Then shuffle them off to bed and mom and dad can have their time.  Kids hyperactive?  Slow ‘em down with a nice Imperial stout.  Any “affliction” your child may be battling – real or imagined – can be solved with an early introduction to quality craft beer.

There is an added bonus to all of this; one that has long term social and societal benefits.  As the father of boys, one of my biggest fears is that despite my nurturing and positive influence, my sons will end up the keg-swilling frat boys I so loathe.  I have nightmares of keg-stands and pitcher-chugging contests with fizzy yellow water that wake me in a cold sweat.  By medicating with craft beer from an early age, our children can not only appreciate the finer things sooner than their peers, but they will be happier as a result, and make their parents proud.

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Juice Boxes Are For Pussies

When I found out that Hello Kitty was launching a line of wines, I was thrilled. Partially because I love everything Hello Kitty, but mostly because it means that I no longer have to shell out for juice. Because juice boxes are for pussies. And my babies aren’t pussies.

They’re not so much into hard liquor or meth, but my babies do like their wine. And wine with whimsical cartoon kitties is a win for us all. Why, it’s practically begging for my children to chug it!

I know, you’re not supposed to give babies booze until they’re at least 12, but they like it! I swear! Plus, it makes them sleepy, and when they’re sleepy, Aunt Becky is very, very happy. Because then I can drink more of that silly kitty wine without my crotch parasites crawling around at my feet, asking me to do shit for them like give them them more of Momma’s wine or help them with their dumb homework.

Like I tell them, what the fuck good has homework ever REALLY done for anyone anyway?

And I read some article in some medical magazine or heard it on Maury or some shit that wine is good for the heart. I want my babies to have strong hearts, so I make sure that I give them wine with every meal. It’s HEALTHY and shit. Especially because then the shut the fuck up for once and I don’t have to listen to them babble on and on and on.

I swear, no one told me kids were so fucking loud or I would have gotten some fucking muzzles from the hospital. Duct tape just doesn’t work as well.

So I’m serving Hello Kitty wine at every birthday party and if all those fucking crotch monkeys that my kids invite don’t like it, well, they can have some of the bourbon.

But not the good shit, like Old Crow because that’s reserved for me.

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